Challenging your critical inner voice

Those of you who know me personally, or have worked with me, know that I go on a bit about challenging your critical inner voice. Like the crazy, twisted branches in the image, you internalise so many untrue beliefs when you grow up in an emotionally abusive household that it’s overwhelming to challenge ALL those beliefs and reject them. It feels like you’re actually rejecting a part of yourself. But, the first step to developing positive self esteem is to reject all of those untruths that were foisted upon you. You are NOT those things they said you were. You are NOT too sensitive, or too much, or god forbid, CRAZY! Challenging someone’s sanity and gaslighting their truth is a classic form of abuse. When it’s a parent, or other authority figure doing that, it’s triply damaging.

You are, in fact, too much for them because you are the voice of truth. They had to cut you down to cover themselves. You are a warrior. For too long you’ve been a worrier. You’ve worried about your looks because they ridiculed you. You’ve worried about your strengths because they cut you down at any opportunity. You’ve worried about your ability to be loved because they told you that you were unloveable. These false, negative and cruel ideas were your reality for so long. You chose to associate with people who reinforced those beliefs until, finally, you started to hear new voices. Voices who praised you. Voices who encouraged you. Maybe they were teachers or people in the workplace. Maybe you actually let someone positive into your intimate life. Once you started to reject all of the false beliefs about you, you kinda felt a bit unhinged - like, who am I actually? This is the moment of your true self formation. It’s uncomfortable at first to be told how loveable we are, how clever and intuitive and capable we are. It literally goes against the grain. Once we stop fighting, the new version of ourselves gradually comes to fit like an old pair of sneakers - they mould to ourselves. Gradually we hear those distant critical and cruel voices less and less. They never fully go away because we internalised them before we had reached full emotional maturity. What we can do is reassure that wounded child when s/he hears those critical beliefs that they are not true. The adult version of yourself is now here and in control.

Inner child work is incredibly simple and perversely difficult. We form an attachment bond to our care givers because our immature bodies need to. Understanding that you can rewire your brain is a critical part of regaining control of your life. I absolutely loved Norman Doidge’s work, The Brain that Changes itself (2007). Doidge managed to make neuroplasticity accessible for the average person to understand. Doidge’s case studies are powerful and inspirational examples of people who have managed to literally rewire their brains and defy their destiny. Most of us don’t have such dramatic stories, but we can all learn from Doidge’s groundbreaking work. The Brain that Heals itself is wonderful too.

I want to finish this blog piece with some practical advice. A key part of healing your wounded inner child is tuning into what is happening in your body. If, like me, your grew up in survival mode, you won’t have ever been able to truly relax as a child. If you dared to, you were ridiculed and shamed. So, really tune into your body. It’s the weekend. What do you really need to get done now? Can you allow your body to truly relax and let go? What brings you joy? Do that. Yesterday afternoon, I baked apple cakes. I absolutely loved apple cakes when I was a child and learned to make them as a teenager. It’s been years since I actually baked them again for myself, just because. This is a small act of self love but also a way of nurturing myself.

I don’t know what makes you feel safe, loved and nurtured but try to tune into that. It doesn’t have to be fancy and involve spending a whole lot of money. It could be as simple as mindfully making and enjoying a cup of coffee. Smell the coffee as it brews. Close your eyes and breathe in the fragrance. Savour the coffee while you sit outside. Feel the sun on your back. Taste it fully, savour it fully. Mindfulness brings us back to our bodies and reminds us we can reset our nervous system to feel safe and secure. We learn to trust our sensations and to listen to them. We learn to live more mindfully and consciously. We learn that we are okay and all will be well.

Sending love and light,

Lu