Couples

According to research 50% of marriages end in divorce. Marriage experts John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute have concluded after decades of research that there are four main predictors: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling.

This research has been well described in the handbook, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work  by John and Julie Gottman, who called these elements ‘The Four Horsemen.’ The authors' research included filmed couples as they went about their day-to-day lives as well as in their therapeutic sessions. A bit intense and not for everyone! But under this level of scrutiny what emerged were  patterns of behaviour that people were not necessarily aware of. For those of us who don’t want to be filmed 24/7, there is the book!

Today I want to focus on stonewalling. Stonewalling is when one party refuses to engage with an issue in the relationship. Remember this is true for all forms of relationship, not just marriages. And it doesn’t matter what type of marriage it is - straight, gay or poly. Essentially stonewalling is emotionally withdrawing, shutting down or going silent during important discussions. Whilst stonewalling can feel incredibly frustrating for the party experiencing it (believe me, I know!) it is a protective mechanism for the person who is feeling overwhelmed and cannot engage with you. The destructive pattern is for the person who is being stonewalled to amp up to try and  be heard. The more they amp it up, the stronger the need to escape is for the person who is feeling overwhelmed.

In therapy the reason stonewalling is so hard to overcome is that it requires the person who is being stonewalled to back off, and it requires the person who is doing the stonewalling to own their behaviour and move through the discomfort and the big feelings they don’t know how to cope with. This is usually because they did not learn to cope with big emotions in their family of origin. Remember we all repeat patterns of behaviour we absorb like little sponges when we are being programmed by our parents on how to relate to them and other people. If the little person did not have their emotional needs met by their main caregiver, they never learned to process their emotions and have their needs met. They then bring this negative pattern into their adult relationships.

The antidotes to  the ‘four horsemen’ are tried, tested and true. The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing. Self soothing by whatever method works for you; basically whatever calms your nervous system. For my partner it’s being in the water and seeing the horizon. For others it might be jumping up and down and shaking it out, or deep belly breathing, or listening to a guided meditation. Progressive muscle relation is also a wonderful tool. I recall a client who had to get on his bike and cycle for several kilometres. It doesn’t really matter what works for you, but remember to ask for permission to pause the discussion and agree to come back to it when you have returned to your baseline. 

Gottman also refers to ‘learning to yield’ (p.125) which I quite like as it’s a recognition that sometimes it’s best just to go along with things. Having some generosity and spaciousness with your partner. Agreeing that if it’s important to your partner, and it’s not really a big deal for you, then maybe it’s best to acquiesce. I’ll leave you on that note. This could inspire some interesting discussions in session!

Relationships are so complicated, aren’t they? You have the shadow of your parents’ relationship imprint on you and you can’t even see it!

Sending love and light.

Lu

relationships are complicated and it's about getting our needs met, which is complicated