Sex in secure relationships

As adults we are often doomed to play out dynamics that we internalised between our parents, even when we swore vehemently never to be like them! In therapy, therefore, we do sometimes need to unpack childhood patterns, and we talk through some of the patterns people observed while growing up.

When I ask couples to think about a successful couple they admire, they often struggle. The reason I talk a lot about older, more settled love is because people don’t generally have a blue print for what a safe, consistent older love feels or looks like. Certainly, no-one wants to talk about old people, especially old people having sex.

In therapy you can learn to rewire your brain. You can learn to confront your negative patterns of connection that create relationships with the wrong people, and you can learn to develop and sustain long lasting love. But it may not look like a hot and steamy version you have internalised through years of consuming popular culture.

Long lasting love is like a good chai tea. You have to brew it right. It needs time to settle for the flavours to fully absorb. Then you need to add the right enhancements - honey, milk, the right kind of milk - just the right amount of honey. Settled love is like that. It’s not like having an espresso - which is a shot of caffeine - sweet and fiery. Passionate love is like an espresso when desire is not in question. In more settled love experts like Esther Perel and Dr Emily Nagasaki explain you need to be more intentional. Esther Perel in “Mating in Captivity” explains that it is hard to f**k your best friend. Closeness can make intimacy and safety feel good, but the erotic requires mystery and danger - the opposite to the safety you have cultivated in your secure relationship.

how do like your chai tea?

So what is the answer? It’s complex - just like our big brains are complex. Good sex and intimacy start in the brain. Dr Emily Nagasaki in her new book: “Come Together - The Science (and Art) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections” explains that we need to separate sexual desire and arousal from sexual interest and curiosity.

As in all forms of therapy, it’s about mind-set. Once you shift from the focus on needing to have urgency in desire, to the cultivation of sexual interest, you release your desire. You create the right settings for that desire to unfold. You make adjustments in the bedroom to encourage and allow the sexual expression to unfold. Nagasaki uses the analogy of preparing an antipasto platter - you carefully roll and place the ingredients, you leave the right cheeses out of the fridge to soften, and so on. We all put so much pressure on ourselves to feel spontaneous desire. If it’s not bodice ripping, then it’s not real sex. Like your finances need a serious discussion and a lot of planning, your sex life also deserves the same level of focus. What sex means to you and your partner is going to be very different to what it means for another couple. It’s not about frequency. It’s not about special positions. It’s about communication  and connection. We’re not taught to have discussions about what we want from sex. There is so much shame around sex and because sex is “natural” we’re supposed to somehow just know. Thank goodness sex therapists are changing our expectations around what is supposed to come naturally to us to make us all understand that it’s a process of connection, discussion and manoeuvring to enable the sex to take place on a timetable that works for both parties.

We see loads of hot panting in movies and on TV, but we don’t often get an exploration of the nuance, humour and sexiness of older, secure love. Older love and sex in secure and safe relationships is different. It is more negotiated, more complex. Sex in more secure relationships is more likely to be scheduled and discussed, for example. If you’re still having sex after being together for a number of years I am pretty sure it’s not spontaneous, hot and panting like in the movies. Dr Nagasaki explains: Remember, the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over multiple decades are not the ones who crave the sex, they’re friends who decide sex matters in their relationship (Nagasaki 2024, p.38). Nagasaki wrote the book for people wanting to sustain their sexual relationship, but not sure how is should, or could look. Many of the sex therapists advise that good sex is the sex you’re having and enjoying. Nagaski’s point is that deciding to prioritise being sexual and sensual in whatever way that works for you is having a good sex life. Good sex is all about the connection in a long term relationship, and less about the artistry, although introducing novelty may also provide excitement.

The take away? Put some effort into deciding what kind of restaurant you’d like to enjoy. Or what kind of food will you order in? Make the appropriate preparations and get into it. Decide what kind of sex you and your partner/s like to have, and prioritise that, and it will happen. Not naturally or spontaneously, but safely and securely.

If you like chai, enjoy.

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